Proud of Me

3 years ago I entered a world in which I was the sole giver, food source, sleep weaver, worry calmer, fear reliever.  My being would not let me relax, be free of worry unless I knew full well, like see it with my own eyes --- that my child was at peace. Motherhood came and I had no more control over my emotions-- hormones and mommyness overtook. 

Today. Was. Monufreakinmental. Nate and Nola went to nursery and no one NEEDED me. I rejoice. I rejoice in this moment because they found peace, knew they were safe, and had fun with their church friends!!!! It's been 3 long years of me reminding myself that this- this is just a phase. 

I sat in church. Listened and took notes. No one cried, peed in their pants, pulled on my arms, tugged at my purse. No one needed a drink or snack.  

Monumemental. But here is the catch- myself had a damn hard time relaxing, focusing on worship. I've learned to focus on so many things at one time that I struggled to just focus on 1 thing- myself. My heart. My help. 

I found a seat away from the baby section. I sat near adults without children, where I could clearly see if Nola's number  popped up. (It never did) I gave myself permission, even though every fiber of my being wanted to go check on Nola.  I didn't. I trusted the care of my church and praised Nola to high heaven when I picked her up!! So proud of her. 

So proud of me.