Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Hardest Part

The hardest part of having a newborn, strangely enough is not the newborn. I was surprised. I knew many years ago that when I became a mom, it wouldn't be hard for me. I would be a natural, and I was right. God has truly blessed me with the ease and love that He knew I would need to make my heart, body and soul available 24/7. The hardest part of these 2 months has been the adjustment of my marriage. Conversations are more serious. Time is more precious. Laughter is more joyous. Stress is more stressful. All because another life is involved, other person's future is being thought for, and we want to make sure that we are being the best parents that we can be. Our faults are blatantly obvious to each other,making it even harder to say the kindest of words. I have realized the dire need that I have for affirmation, that when you come home and I'm still in my pj's, you love me and are proud of me. When there are still dishes in the sink, you love me. When I get some food on the table, you love me. When I take a shower, and I'm clean, you love me. When our baby is clean, happy, and fed, you love me still. When we are all sleeping soundly and safely, you love me. When the dogs were taken out, and groceries purchased- You. love. me. Simple things make a huge difference for me. I need to know that I am loved, that someone is proud of my hard work. My life has changed drastically in 6 weeks. From teacher to mom- I'm on call 24/7 right now. I don't get to leave my work at school anymore. And I love it.

I have had to say that this is a need that I have out loud, and be honest with my husband out about these needs. I know people cannot read minds, but I wish sometimes they could. I have tried patience, maybe he will see my needs. But that doesn't work, you may have to set aside time and your desires that he will just know, and put it all out there on the table. Its the hardest part.

Getting through is wonderful. Relief and overflow of honesty. I felt so disconnected from my husband after my 9 months of pregnancy and taking care of Nate. Physically and mentally far away. Feeling like we weren't on the same page, because we're too overwhelmed and exhausted to talk about all the of the junk and all of the feelings. Although I will always need to be told that I am loved and that the love of my life is thankful for me, when I put my needs into words the connection is reestablished. Our pages meet. Our bodies can grab hold of each other again. We will always have hard times, that are even harder now because our little one depends on us for life. The more honest we are, I am, the smoother the ride, and our pages will become books that unite.


Kristin @ Blue Skies said...

Courtney ~ this made me cry! Sob, actually. In just a few months I'll be where you are. I know things will change and I've been ready for years. The changes you mention are very real and my scariest reality of being a mom.

Thanks for this post!! It really touched me!

Josh and Dana said...

Love that you're honest and not just letting things be the way they will naturally be. I really do believe that, while children are a huge blessing, the amount of time and energy they need can also drive you and your husband away from each other if you let them...even when they're just nursing and sleeping! Glad to see you fighting that pull, friend! I think the healthy patterns you guys set in your marriage now will GREATLY help carry you through parenting. We're still learning that too.

You're not called to care for Nate (in this way) for the rest of your life...your role with him will change a lot, but you are called to care for (and be cared for by) Terrance the rest of your life. Maybe we can keep reminding each other of this. ;)

court said...

ahhh Kristin!!! I'm honored to share my truths. These are things I wish I had thought more about and even talked more about before Nate arrived, but I wouldn't have considered the vast differences unless I lived them. So its really wonderful that you are thinking of these things ahead of time and being honest about them. and I'll keep blogging, because its such an outlet, so be sure to keep reading maybe I'll save you the trouble of making some of these mistakes:)

dana, i'm thankful for you on a daily basis!! for your honesty with your struggles and your ability to encourage me and lift me up. knowing that you come from a place of personal experience, and love! i'm so honored to be nate's mom, and thankful I will be called to him in many different ways, but what you said about terrance and i is so true. husband and wife are here to lift each other up and serve each other for a life time! thank you friends!!