Monday, July 26, 2010

I don't know if I can handle it.

August is too close. It's looming, causing worry and fear in my heart.  It's no secret that my husband has completed his masters in Administration, but the jobs aren't coming. The last hope is that the budget will pass soon, and open up more positions. But things are looking ba...a....a....aaad. It means that I will have to be a working mom, devastating news. I don't know if I can handle it. I have never wanted something so much in my life. When Nathaniel was a thought in our minds, we began to think about what changes would be made. I asked myself, will you be able to work if you have to? I know that I will do anything to provide for my family, but I guess I never really believed that it might not happen. That God wouldn't give me what I want... 

I have accepted that I'll be working. I know that it doesn't mean that I will always be working, but it sucks. Each day is now a challenge. I constantly jump between savoring every growing moment or worrying.

I really want to enjoy every minute that I have with him right now. No, I'm not going away totally, but I will miss some big things, and I won't be there to comfort him. I'll be teaching, somebody else's children.

IS this what the Lord wants for me right now? to be a working mom... even though I don't believe in it or even believe thats what He has called me to. I won't stop trusting, even through my despair and worry. I will still believe. Even though the days and months of summer are quickly closing, I will still believe.

I am praying and hoping and wishing.

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