It's too much really. The blows that I've been dealt this year. Things were hard and then they just got harder when I wasn't looking. No wonder, you say to yourself! No wonder she hasn't been blogging! Who has time for that when your world is caving in.
I tried to blog in January, but never finished it. Since then life has been all over. We weren't trying to have another baby anytime soon, but the Lord had other plans. I found out that I was pregnant in January, that I was 4 months pregnant and that she was on her way, due in June. We were shocked, overwhelmed, dissapointed that my iud, my fool proof plan didn't work. I went through a lot of emotions. Anger, excitment, anger... ok mainly just those two. After Nathaniel was born, and I didn't get to be a stay at home mom, I didn't want any more children unless I was guaranteed to be at home. The Lord must be laughing at me.
Here we are, August. Nola Ryliegh is here. She is 7 weeks old, and Nathaniel is 16 months. They are just a mere 14 months apart. Seriously, what is going on? I am once again not guaranteed to be a stay at home mom... my dream, my hope, my strongest desire. My hardworking husband is still trying to get a job as an Assistant Principal... and still the education world is crashing down, losing jobs and waves of applicants fighting for the one that is open. Now, a family of 4 we are just here, trying to enjoy every day to the fullest and not be too overwhelmed with what the future holds. I thought that since Nola was planned by the Lord he would also plan a job for my husband, and a way for me to stay home. My hope is dwindling... August brings fear. Have I not learned enough Lord? I want to stay open to all possibilties... my emotions get the best of me.
The hope that I see is in my children. Baby blue eyes, and baby boy brown eyes are true joy. How they change, what they learn, the little laughs and that sweet, sweet baby smell. I cherish them all. Pray with hope, I'll hold on to that.