There is more to me than just being a mom. Sometimes, however, I have to remind myself what they are. I love to read, and spend time with friends- seldom as that is. I am consumed with finding a way to stay at home with my kids-- oh that's a mom thing.
Its hard to be consumed with things are a massive part of you, but still remember who you are. Maybe that is because who I am has merely increased in love and laughter with the additions to my little family. They are an extention of who I am. So , how can I remember who I am without them, if they have made me stronger, wiser, and more patient?
Maybe there is a way to phrase it differently. How am I, me, to better my children? What is my core, my tree trunk, so that I branch out to better those around me? To be not only a mom that wipes snotty noses and cleans poop off of backsides, but a human that spreads love by greeting others with a smile.
If you know me, you know that I am truly devastated about being a working mom- I've gotten to the point that I don't want to talk about it because I feel as though people are tired of hearing it. But I feel resentful and angry, consumed by dissapointment. I am jealous of those who stay home, resent those that could stay home and choose not to. If I could just be in a different place, a different job... more money.
In attempts to remember my core, and not just my anger, I am focusing on my health. Setting goals to lose weight and get in better shape after 2 babies.
Taking better care of me, means taking better care of them.
1 comment:
Hey Court--
Thanks so much for sending me the link and I'm so glad you are writing again. Writing, for me, is like free therapy.
I hear your frustration and your longing to be home with your children. I hear your desire to have more space for yourself, more solitude, more time to be "you" outside of your children, your husband, your job, etc. I hope that more of those desires get met in the future, they are good desires.
I can relate to wanting more space to be myself. Ironically, I feel this way even though I don't work outside of the house. I think being in school makes me feel like I get to be myself--it's something I have just for me, something that engages my mind outside of diapers and cleaning and keeping this family going.
Oh, being a woman is hard.
Glad you're writing again...I'll keep checkin in.
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