Darkness

I've been composing this blog post in my mind now for quite some time.  I haven't said anything in a while.  I get at these points in my life where I just can not write.  Not necessarily writer's block... I do not consider myself a writer, by any means.  I just refrain. I refrain because I do not have anything nice to blog, so I do not blog at all. 

A few months ago I plummeted to my first truly dark place. Problems that had no solutions, I couldn't fix them, definitely didn't like them, and had nothing nice to say about them.  I was in it.

It was dark, my mind was foggy, and blurry.  My eyes were always ready to cry.  I was still waking up at 5, nursing Nola at 6, packing up all my pumping gear, her bottles for the day and heading out the door by 6:20.  Arriving in my classroom at 6:40 to prepare for my students to be educated both academically and behaviorally.

February.  I am called in to meet with my Admin team about my progress thus far.  And I was blowing it.  I was drowning.  They could see it too.  After 20 minutes of listening and trying to hear where I needed to go from there, where I could improve.  I couldn't stop them.  Tears were falling.   Breaking down right in the meeting.  A nursing mom, hormones a mess.  A 8 year teacher, hearing of failure for the first time.  What was happening.  Knowing I just wanted to be a stay at home mom.  Knowing I only had 4 more months to nurse Nola to 1.  This stress.  Stress was going to take my time left away with her, my last baby, her last months of our special bond.  I was mad. I was angry.  I was sad.  My world was dark.  I didn't want this.

I may have cried for a week straight.  At school, at home.  The early mornings.  I made the necessary changes in my classroom, proving had I known from the beginning what I knew now, we would have never gotten to this place. 

Slowly. The fog lifted.  Although I didn't talk to many people about how I felt, besides those I kept crying on.  I begged for prayers.  Texting my husband to lift me.  Pray for a way.  And a month later I felt better. Clearer.

May is now here. Another summer is upon me.  I have never felt like that before.  Every summer since I have been a mom is stressful.  I am in wait of what I will be doing the next school year, with my job, my husbands job, and childcare.  I am going to try not to do that as much this summer.  I am going to live in every sunny minute, listen to the baby babbles of joy that will surround me.  Thankful that I can see the light, and that the darkness is gone.  And if it comes again... well