I've been composing this blog post in my mind now for quite some time. I haven't said anything in a while. I get at these points in my life where I just can not write. Not necessarily writer's block... I do not consider myself a writer, by any means. I just refrain. I refrain because I do not have anything nice to blog, so I do not blog at all.
A few months ago I plummeted to my first truly dark place. Problems that had no solutions, I couldn't fix them, definitely didn't like them, and had nothing nice to say about them. I was in it.
It was dark, my mind was foggy, and blurry. My eyes were always ready to cry. I was still waking up at 5, nursing Nola at 6, packing up all my pumping gear, her bottles for the day and heading out the door by 6:20. Arriving in my classroom at 6:40 to prepare for my students to be educated both academically and behaviorally.
February. I am called in to meet with my Admin team about my progress thus far. And I was blowing it. I was drowning. They could see it too. After 20 minutes of listening and trying to hear where I needed to go from there, where I could improve. I couldn't stop them. Tears were falling. Breaking down right in the meeting. A nursing mom, hormones a mess. A 8 year teacher, hearing of failure for the first time. What was happening. Knowing I just wanted to be a stay at home mom. Knowing I only had 4 more months to nurse Nola to 1. This stress. Stress was going to take my time left away with her, my last baby, her last months of our special bond. I was mad. I was angry. I was sad. My world was dark. I didn't want this.
I may have cried for a week straight. At school, at home. The early mornings. I made the necessary changes in my classroom, proving had I known from the beginning what I knew now, we would have never gotten to this place.
Slowly. The fog lifted. Although I didn't talk to many people about how I felt, besides those I kept crying on. I begged for prayers. Texting my husband to lift me. Pray for a way. And a month later I felt better. Clearer.
May is now here. Another summer is upon me. I have never felt like that before. Every summer since I have been a mom is stressful. I am in wait of what I will be doing the next school year, with my job, my husbands job, and childcare. I am going to try not to do that as much this summer. I am going to live in every sunny minute, listen to the baby babbles of joy that will surround me. Thankful that I can see the light, and that the darkness is gone. And if it comes again... well