Friday, December 26, 2014

Hope will Hold

I was a very shy kid.  I didn't want a lot of attention.  I didn't want people to look at me.  I preferred behind the scenes.  I knew that I needed time alone to be around large crowds of people.  My friends were WAY more spontaneous than I was.  At times, I wished I could be, but I was so uncomfortable sometimes in my own skin that being alone, or hidden in a good book was much easier. 

I had a beautiful, forgiving, crazy group of friends in high school.  We met each other in a small, private, Christian middle school.  We went to the same youth group, and we were there every Wednesday.  I learned how to be myself around them.  And they still loved me.  They still laughed at my jokes.  They stayed. We argued, we got jealous, we laughed, and then graduated.

College was full of being taught.  More life lessons than anything else.  #1 if you get your eye brows waxed, and the your skin is removed in the process, AND people don't notice... then they aren't as observant as you thought they were. #2 the first boy you fall in love with is not the man of your dreams. #3 follow your gut.  those instincts are there for a reason, and then run.

24 years old, I was a bride, I realize I didn't know my groom the day we got married.  We had been together a year, we knew that we were meant to be, but loving him now isn't the same as loving him then.  We've gone to battle now.  For and against each other.  Being a married couple without kids, enjoying late nights and late mornings.  

All of these events in my life, I can remember and see that I really didn't have a clue what Jesus had in store for me.  I had no CLUE how much I needed Him.  What a huge failure I am.  The core of me is rotten.  Guess what becoming a mom, will do to you?  Thrust.  you into his loving arms.  Push you over every edge of every mountain that ever existed.  No one tells you these things.  Motherhood unlocked my need for a Savior, like nothing I had ever experienced before.

Late sleepless nights.  Worried if you baby drank enough, peed enough, pooped enough, coughed at the right time... did he burp? Can he sleep with you or near you or only in his crib?  Maybe you should use formula?  How about breast milk?  What about vaccines... what about a good pediatrician?  What kind of diapers... and then he changes his schedule and you start all over again. 
Everyone does the wrong things.  No one can read your mind.  Your mom might call too much, people need to see pictures, you better send them to them asap! You might be working, and you feel like people can see that you are just a weeping nursing mom. Vulnerable.  Your husband is driving you crazy... you feel guilty because you just can't seem to get your footing. 

What is parenting? guilt, worry, anger, lack of patience, exhaustion, feeling worthless, failure. 

I woke up today, 4 years later.  As I was going about my normal Sunday morning... I thought, nothing,  nothing but motherhood has taught me how needy, weak, and desperate I am to hold hands with hope. I actually sat next to my husband today in church, and my children went to nursery.  That is a miracle.  I believe in hope. I have resigned myself that I will never be able to do anything on my own. 

As an adult the only thing that really matters to me about the holidays is that my children get to celebrate the magic.  They know they are loved by their family and friends.   Don't let all the frustrations, decisions, scheduling, people letting you down-  consume you.  In the large scheme of things it's just another day!  You can have a redo!  Hope will hold your hand.   

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