Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Promises for the Battle

People cannot put into enough words how difficult marriage will be at some point.  They can not paint a picture or write an essay.  There are not enough curse words or broken vases.  They could not sit you down, for a one on one and lay it all out for you- you would run away.  You won't believe them when they tell you how strange it is to love someone so much yet hate their everliving guts with so much passion you can't breathe. You will tell them they are crazy as hell, when they want you to grasp how watching your child come into the world as a couple changes your relationship, and it will never be the same again.  Sometimes I wish I could have understood all this, but I think if I did, I wouldn't have gotten married.  I mean, who would want to? Why do we fight so hard against our sinful nature to be together?

Because all of the battles and the celebrations in your marriage are true.  They are real.  They will happen, whatever your worst is it will show up in your marriage.  You will punch a wall, throw a glass, You can't hide.  I couldn't hide.  He couldn't hide. Because of the worst of the worst... I can rejoice in today.

This is not a negative post about marriage.  Not today, my friends, today it is sharing the hard, the worst, the unimaginable, so that I can share my joy for celebrating 9 years of marriage.   We humans are screwed up, mean, and hurtful.  And when we love other people, they get our best and our worst.  When I got married, there were some rose colored glasses.  Marriage is a battle, on on your wedding day you say vows to prepare for the battle.  Those words came out of your mouth so that you can remember the promise you make when you are the worst or you are dealing with someone at their worst.

In our time together we have had our best and worst selves show up.  They tried to demolish what we have been working towards.

9 years of marriage.  My eyes first met his in August, 10 years ago.  I had already made mistakes in past relationships of trying to be someone I wasn't.  I wasn't looking for a husband.  This beautiful man kept pursuing me.  He invited me out, and paid for my dinners.  He laughed at my jokes, and helped me when I was sick.  He thought I was beautiful.  He made me laugh and never expected anything from me that wasn't me.  He seemed to be amazed by me.

Of course that has worn off.  There were years in our marriage felt weird, disconnected.  Doubt crept in. Doubt distracted.  Reasons doubt existed hurt me.  Hurt us.

I didn't trust my husband to fix me or us.  I didn't trust my kids to be our bandaid.  I trusted my anchor. I just kept taking one step at a time every day during the darkness to get a glimpse of grace.

I'm happier now than I as on my wedding day.  I'm not wearing white or carrying flowers.  My friends are not all here dancing around me, laughing, and helping me get ready.  I've gained weight, and have a scarred belly.  I am tired and go to bed early.  I let him down, and am forgetful.  He still loves me. I see it in his eyes.  I don't hear it all the time, but I see it in how he laughs with Nate.  In the way he scoops Nola up, and in the way he looks at me.  How he cleans the kitchen and mops the floor.  The way we are partners. The ways we have failed each other and persevere.  I see my past with him and that gives me strength to keep going.  I am so thankful for you, husband.  For my 9 years of being your "arm candy".  I love you for the way you hold my hand, the way you watch me when I write, the ways that you make me laugh, and how you pursue best case scenarios for our family.  I'm madly in love with the way you love Jesus.

Interested in reading some of my posts on marriage?  Some of these are from when only 1 person read my blog.  A Love Letter to My Husband is my most read blog entry... over 200 people read it. The struggle is real.  We wives want to be seen, cherished and enjoyed.  Strategy, work, and providing sometimes get in the way of how we need to be loved.  And I have learned to watch for the ways that he loves me that I don't see easily.   The thing is EVERYONE's marriage is the same.  Hard and Joyful.  Painful and Sweet.  Promises for the Battle.




be still

A Love Letter to My Husband

Mess & Glory

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